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Sunday, November 01, 2009
Solid Gold!
Since his tooth extraction, my cat kind of looks like Madame from Solid Gold.
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Thursday, October 29, 2009
Today has been a rough day. Our 9 year old Siamese cat had to have some dental work - a tooth fell out over the weekend, today the vet had to remove ALL of his teeth and in the process apparently broke and wired his jaw.
The lowercase has been particularly clingy and very whiny - you know the day where the 3 year old starts crying if you go into the bathroom or if you turn Elmo on 2 minutes after it's started and he can't see ALL of it.
So while he was whining and driving me nuts, I looked at him and asked if we could just toss him out with the recycling or perhaps take him back to the store for a new less whiny version.
He looked me in the eye and, in all seriousness, said, "Mommy, you can't take me back. There's no store to take me back to. I'm a gift from God."
So as I giggle and hug him and tell him he's right, it gets better.
"And, Mommy, we don't have a spaceship. I'm pretty sure we need a spaceship to get to heaven because it isn't on Earth."
So help me if this kid is a budding Scientologist... No more Tom Cruise movies for him!
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I can't stop giggling. I wish that I had more than that, but today? That just isn't going to happen.
This is the funniest thing that I've seen in... Ok, it's just the funniest thing that I think I've ever seen.
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Called
I can't believe that it has been so long, but this past weekend was my 10 year college reunion at homecoming. Mr. W was away on business and my college roommate was unable to attend having recently had surgery. So, despite the fact that I was visiting my parents less than a mile from campus, I chose not to go. I wasn't sure who would be there, if I would remember them or if any of the people who attended would be people that I would want to spend any time with.
I'm actually happy with the decision as attendance was low, it was extremely cold, and, frankly, I just don't enjoy watching football. Instead, the day of the game and my class' reunion dinner, I spent time with my parents and grandparents - something that I am now and will always be happier for having done.
By mid-day Sunday, most of the alumni had left town. Some relatives from out of town came to visit for the afternoon and in the evening, we all made our way to my parents' restaurant for dinner.
As I looked out of the kitchen, I saw a friend that I hadn't known would be in town for homecoming, nor would I have expected that he would still be there. He and I ended up having an incredibly long conversation, one that thoroughly blew my mind. He was still in town because he wanted to attend chapel on Monday morning and to take some photographs of campus in the morning light.
He talked to me about how God is moving in his life, his relationship with Christ and what he feels he is being called to do. We discussed what it is to have a calling, to know what that is. And, remarkably, I realized something that I just can't believe hasn't been clear to me before now.
Since the lowercase was born, I've spent a lot of time volunteering with the March of Dimes. I've had my name on a list at our NICU to talk to parents whose children have been diagnosed with congenital diaphragmatic hernia (a condition that I survived 32 years ago and that is still largely considered a death sentence and one that is commonly cause for a decision to terminate the pregnancy). I've reached out to friends and strangers who have had to deal with premature births on CDH diagnoses. I've stayed with friends in the hospital during their births, praying the entire time they were in the operating room, sat with them as they waited to be allowed into the NICU and went in with them on their first trips in to see their children. I've spent hours e-mailing and talking on the phone with them.
And yet I've never, not even once, wanted to do any of it. I would have nightmares each time I visited the hospital. I relived every terrifying moment of my time in the NICU with the lowercase -- all the scares, all the middle of the night frantic trips across town to the hospital for just one more look at the frail little boy that I loved so much. In my dreams, sometimes the outcomes weren't what they had been in reality. I've cried each and every time that I've left the hospital parking garage, hung up the phone, or clicked send on an email.
But in all of that, I have not once had a choice as to whether or not I would answer that email, pick up the phone, or drive to the hospital (whether it was at 3am or 1pm). I did it because those parents needed me. I continue to do it because I know that it's something that I would have wanted myself nearly 4 years ago.
My talk with my friend made me realize that, for right now, this is what God is calling me to do. I'd always thought that a calling would involve something that would make me happy, something that I would enjoy doing. At the very least, I thought it would be something that didn't involve such emotional pain. I never expected it to be this way - to be so gut wrenching at times that Mr. W asks me why I put myself through it.
Yet each and every time I do one of these things, I am reminded of what a miracle each of these children is. I remember that my lowercase, who is so wonderfully, frustratingly three (for another week and a half!), has overcome so much in such a short time. And I vow each time to be the best mother to him that I can possibly be, to raise him well, and to prepare him for whatever it is that God has planned for his life.
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Wednesday, August 05, 2009
The hardest part of this fertility nightmare by far, for me, is my reactions to other people's pregnancy and birth stories. Where I once felt pain at being around their children and babies, I now can be happy with that part. I still covet the pregnancy and birth experience.
Within the surrogacy community, it seems to be taboo for an "intended mother" to admit that. When one does make such a comment, the message boards go crazy with "not ready" and "hasn't accepted her infertility" or "jealousy issues." I have an issue with that, obviously.
I am ready -- hell, I'm here aren't I? If I had not accepted my body's inability to carry a baby to term I wouldn't be looking at surrogacy at all. I'd be right back to timing sex, putting my legs up for 20 minutes, taking my temperature every morning, charting, peeing on OPKs. I wouldn't be stashing obscene amounts of money aside to compensate someone else to do something that I would much rather do myself.
I will always have issues with how my body was formed. I will always wish that I could be pregnant. I will always long to feel my baby kicking from the inside. I will always wish that I had the option of an unmedicated "natural birth."
Those are things that I will always wish for, but know that I will never have.
I thank God that there is someone out there willing to do for me what my body can't.
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
One of those gushy mommy posts
I always knew that I would love being a parent. As a child, I loved playing with younger kids, holding babies, reading stories. As a teenager, I loved babysitting, playing with kids in the park, making picnics for them. When my brother had kids, I couldn't wait to build forts with them, to take them out for the day, exploring things with them. So the fact that I am thoroughly loving my life as a mom isn't a surprise to me. I love so much about this. There are elements that are harder than I ever expected (potty training is NOT going as smoothly as we would have hoped) but there are other things that are above and beyond my expectations.
Despite the fact that I am a teacher and have studied child development extensively, I am amazed at the things such a little person can do. The lowercase just amazes me. My mother, however, isn't at all surprised as he is doing things at roughly the same time frame that both my brother and I did.
He isn't fully reading, but he can read several words. He delights at sounding things out to pick out the letter that each word begins with. He can spell his name and is able to write it on his own (the m's need work, but the rest of it is clear). He knows his phone number. He knows his address. He likes to type -- so much so that he now has a computer of his own (one that Mr. W needs for work occasionally but that would otherwise be sitting idle). He knows how to login, he knows how to start his games on his own (and he knows that "apple-Q" will get him out), he types his name in without assistance when the prompt comes up. He reads weather maps correctly ("It's just a green storm today mommy. It will rain, but no thunder and NO lightning!"). He has a basic understanding of how to tell time -- he doesn't understand the minutes and seconds, but he knows which hand is the hour and that if it isn't pointing directly at a number that we are half way between 6 and 7. And his memory? My goodness, we can get away with nothing! He remembers (and reminds us frequently!) of things that we said or did nearly 2 years ago. He can tell us when and where he got every single toy in his collection (including a book that, last night he informed us was an Easter gift from my biological father. It was - he was 18 months old when he got the book. Nobody has mentioned where it came from in all this time. He gave details about getting it that just completely blew us away.)
There are other things, however, that he won't do. He is very physically cautious. He won't attempt a physical task unless he knows that he can do it. I shouldn't be surprised since he wouldn't walk on his own until he was 18 months old, but I am surprised every time. For instance, he won't go down the big slide on his new swing set. It's too tall and too fast he says. He might fall at the end. Which he did the first time he tried it so I suppose that fear isn't exactly unjustified. He warns his friends, who go down it head first, to be careful and that they could get hurt.
I've said at every stage in his life that this is my favorite part of being his mommy. I doubt I'll ever stop saying that and I doubt it will ever stop being true. And now I have to go and time an hour glass that he found -- I explained to him that they were used to help measure time before there were watches and now he wants to know how long this particular hour glass will take for the sand to empty. The endless wonder and fascination right now? The constant new discoveries and understandings? This is my favorite part of being his mommy. Until we reach the next phase.
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
It's funny how when I actually have something worth saying I can't seem to find the words. Things are finally moving in the direction that I've wanted for so long now! And it all happened rather quickly and feels so right.
The one thing that we'd been waiting for to be able to move forward with a surrogacy journey CAME THROUGH! After 18 months of waiting for it to happen, being told that it would happen -- the deal has gone through!!! Just before it went through, I got up the nerve to send an email to a truly incredible woman who was looking for new intended parents. I'd bounced a lot of questions off of her during the entire time we were looking and considering and going through all the what-ifs. I can't explain why but from the first post of hers that I read on a surrogacy message board, I liked her and trusted her. I read her blog and that made me like her even more. She's kind, funny, a bit geeky (in our house, this is considered a good thing!) We started talking and realized we have a lot in common. I absolutely feel like this is the right path. And within days of us both realizing that, things fell into place on this end. It just feels right. Meant to be.
At the same time, I do have to admit that I've been a bit sad this week. I wish I could figure that part out. I think that it's all just suddenly become very real. I'm happier than I've been in a while, but there is a lingering sadness that creeps in here and there. There is still some fear. It's so close, so possible... but what if something snatches that away? Mostly, though, these feelings are fleeting and I've spent more time focused on the happiness.
**************** Edit:
Last night after posting this, I had a dream that kind of clarified for me the feelings that I've been having. In my dream, I graduated from high school and then went through that summer between then and going to college.
That was the last time I felt like this. I was leaving everything that I had known and even though I knew that what I was doing was right, I was still a bit afraid, I felt both happy and uneasy. I wonder, if I had gone through a normal pregnancy and labor if I would have had the time to feel this way before the arrival of the lowercase.
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Thursday, June 25, 2009
Time to lose it!
As I close in on 3 years 8 months postpartum, I think it might be time to lose the baby weight. I don't know how much I gained with my pregnancy, however I am currently about 25-30 lbs over the weight I would like to be. (In scary what was I thinking then news: I am roughly 60 lbs heavier than when I met my husband. Of course, my eating was a bit disordered at that point in my life.)
I keep saying that I'm going to do it, that I'm going to diet, that I'm going to exercise and I keep NOT doing it. I don't know why it is. I just can't seem to keep my motivation. But I may very soon have some motivation.
I'd like to have the weight gone by the time of my 10th anniversary next May. Mr. W and I have spoken about renewing our vows then and I'd like to do it looking even better than our wedding day... or at least as good.
My real motivation for losing the weight is that I want to look good when my next child is born. If I'm not the one who is pregnant, I don't think I should look like I was! (But damn, would I give anything to be that one!!) As of now, well, there's a GOOD chance that could be happening next year! There's been a lot of movement and back and forth with Scott's company that could indicate his company's largest profit ever. This could really be happening!!
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